Post #81212

It’s been some time since I last updated my blog.  A lot has changed and writing a whole story of what’s happened isn’t what I wanted this for.

This is just for my thoughts.

I recently found out at work that a co-worker of mine has cancer.   It keeps coming to mind and I can’t shake the need the need to help.  It’s all I ever want to do in those situations.  Just hug the person and promise them everything will be okay.  But that’s not how things work and I listen.

The four Yorkies are over for the next five days.  Oogie still hides at the sight of me, but I try to make their stay as comfortable as possible.  Alfie isn’t really bothered either.  Until Nina wants to play with him, which leads to him slapping her.  It’s already happened twice.  I tell him not to but she’s really persistent.  Animal drama.

Valerie and another friend went off camping in a cabin this weekend.  They missed work Friday and I believe return today (Sunday). She was going to do a lot of firsts this weekend, so I hope it all works out.  Not too worried; she’s a smart cookie.

Now I have working out on the brain.  Today I have two classes this morning at the gym; cardio followed by Zumba.  I’ve attended Zumba twice and I’m really happy with my instructer, Catherine.  She teaches cardio also and my mother says it’s great, but everyone else is a woman.  Not that I mind, but I wonder if they mind me.  If they think I’m straight I look like a huge creep.

Maybe I’ll just jog before Zumba like last week.

I’ve been in creative spirits lately.  I’ve written a couple of new pieces and a project’s a brewing.  Hopefully it works out.  I’ll try to keep this alive as much as possible; even if it’s just a few lines of nonsense.  From now on, I finish what I start.

Here’s an outro:

free write 7.19.12

Write it out,

Whatever comes to mind, do it.

Do it do it do it

Over and over, until you’re comfortable with

This shit

Kinda fun to fuck the flow and just fucking go,

To not think about sounding good and showing growth,

It feels so good to not think,

Just word words words, without structure

A free space for a free night

I backspace,

He’s waiting on the couch wondering

About my words

How they reflect his behaviors,

If there will be a sting after I’m done,

But no…just a free write

Just a good time, with my art and my life

A night for reflecting, doing what I haven’t

In a while

Trying to change the subject, I almost did

Oh, I backspaced again

I needed to remember how to fill a page with my thoughts,

Without the worry of others,

I don’t know when I gripped onto public paranoia,

But it’s been rough

I needed this.

Just me and time…and Alfie.

I love this. I missed this.

I just made love for the first time in months.

Still not feeling it.

Got a new keyboard so I can type easier from my phone.

I'm still not feeling so great. Not as bad as yesterday, but still not good. I don't even know what's wrong. I have bodyaches. I have the runs. I'm also exceptionally tired. Oh well.

I reconnected with an old friend from childhood via Facebook. He seems to be doing well, and I'm glad. He was very embracing about my lifestyle. Sounds like I'm living something so different from others. Not so.

I'm in the lead for the contest, but not so much. Today is the final day for voting. Lets hope it stays that way until 11:59pm. Literally.

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Another training

I found a phone app from which to blog from. I should be paying attention to the training going on around me, but he should have made effort in being interesting.

I feel sick. Nausia. Bodyaches. No bueno.

OH! I submitted lyrics for this American Idol contest and have been selected into the top three! People vote online and I'm in the lead!

www.americanidol.com/perfect_harmony

So vote my silent readers! I'm the first options of lyrics. :)

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Wednesday

I didn't know what else to name this entry. Yesterday was an interesting day. It ended in good sex and television so why complain?

A lot of friends are in college and are about to graduate. It has me thinking about my future. I want to finish what I started years ago. I want to break out of the habit of leaving projects hanging. I know I'm not the only one with the problem, but I need to rectify mine. Just for the sake of fame.

So what does that mean for me? That means paying past loans on time. That means paperwork and money. Sounds like my job. It also will lead to headaches via papers/assignments and lack of sleep from overnight studying. Also, weekly modules via the beauty of experiential education. I think I can dish it though.

It might also mean new reading material and in-class debating. It always sounded right for me, but it didn't feel so. I guess that's no longer the case. I can tell from my spelling lately that I need to do something about my education. I cannot call myself a writer and never expand my knowledge of the English language--or any topic.

It seems that there is one person reading out there! Thanks Crystal. You're always appreciated.

Why do distractions conveniently occur when my boss isn't around?

No distractions

I'm at work. I'm not supposed to get myself distracted. My boss called to tell me she's running late. Distractions pursued. Now what? I decided to come on here because I been physically writing in my journal. It feels pretty good to express certain thoughts there. Some things are meant to be private, even if it's a senseless ramble. If you're a writer, it's comforting having the option.

I been thinking a lot lately about performing and what that means to me. Sounds like a gay school assignment, but it's long overdue. I'm always day dreaming and drooling over wanting to be known for performing what I write, or just writing itself, but I've done nothing to make this reality. I'm pretty tired of struggling fiscally, but who isn't nowadays? Still, it's not something I'm prepared to do the rest of my life. Okay, I got deep.

I've also been thinking about my writing. I think it has changed and matured alongside with me, but I want to explore my talents further. I guess that's why I've been writing every chance I get. Practice makes perfect. Also, I know I'm not limited to poetry. Lyrics are fun. Stories take you places.

I had an energy drink this morning, can't you tell? This energy was all for work, but I'm using it here. For my blog with no readers. I can't wait for the day something clicks into focus, but I don't expect it to come easy.

I'm going to work. Hard.

Training

So if there is anyone out there actually reading, I hope you're a fellow human service worker. Today I went to one of those trainings your program director tells you to go to. Actually, I requested to attend this one, but that's besides the point. You know what the fuck I mean.

So, if you've been to a handful of these like I have, then you'll enjoy the next thoughts that follow. For those who haven't, you're shit out of luck. Has anyone else noticed: there's always an obnoxious volunteer? You know, that person that acts all knowing about the topic, hence feels the need to constantly raise his/her hand to volunteer an answer. Yeah, that herb (pronounce the H). This time it was a he, and, unfortunately, that he was seated in front of me.

I was the personal audience to this guy making an ass out of himself. He seemed to have taken a previous class on the subject, because he knew the name of concepts, but his concepts were inapplicable and a bunch of bs. He sounded like someone who just learned new vocabulary and used it incorrectly just to prove he knows the word. Sad.

Luckily, he realized he wasn't cutting it and relaxed. Then there was really slow guy. The one who continues to ask for clarification on every bullet note in the power-point. Sigh. Oh yeah, everyone is twice my age. It's part of the fine print of being the youngest at what you do: being around "seasoned professionals." Forever. This guy also has you go through emotional shifting. At first, you're just annoyed at the question after question. Then, you go through a phase of finally wanting to shout at him for being so stupid. Finally, you realize it's not really his fault, maybe he has a real condition or diagnosis, and empathy settles. Actually, that probably kept me awake after lunch.

Other than that, I learned a lot! It was advanced motivational interviewing. I've taken spirit of M.I. before and it definitely left me interested. Oh, I should have mentioned this in the beginning: it was a 9-5 training.

Right?

Writer Enough

Dear writer,

Simply said from pen, paper, words,

No one can do what we do,

No other art can be highlighted from words of heart,

To live and write,

From the simple entice of life,

The gift of insight and mastery of language,

More than word of mouth and tongue,

‘Cause we have the ability to rock

Accessorize and strut in what we say,

We’re more than gifted word play;

We’re well worded science with game.

So writer,

Never let someone bring you down,

For enjoying the beauty of description.

They’re not poet enough for self-expression,

Not writer enough to speak in metaphor,

An empty lyric with no leading hook,

Nothing more than a challenge to over-write,

For how can we be touched?

We live in past participles, contractions,

And exquisite vocabulary.

Never speechless

Always with words from what we saw;

Bet they never made a blank page go raw.

So write fucker,

No matter how unenthused they may be,

Remember what you can do with words alone,

Never forget what you live for,

For we are gifted with something so simple.

Let them chase after the complex,

But we’re made to be a little more modest,

For who else can effect affect with prose?

Not the scientists of the world.

So you write ‘cause you must,

Our secondary form of lust,

You write for the sake to live,

We are more than enough;

Who needs them?

It’s our passion to love.

-Marco